Moving on, slowly.

I can't believe it has been almost a week. The days have flown by, but I don't remember much about them. Calls have been made, accounts have been closed, debts have been forgiven, arrangements for donations have been made, and the funeral has been planned. I went to a few personal appointments too. It's slowly coming together, but there's still so much to do.

I still have my mother here, close by. I'm not quite ready to let her go out on her own, and I don't know that I am quite ready to be on my own either.

The past week seems like a blur, but based on my notes, quite a few things got done. Yesterday, I went to see my dad's body to say good bye. It felt good to see him and tell him everything I had wanted to say the past week, and to get closure. I needed to tell him that I was sorry for not being there for him before and during his final moments, but also to tell him I forgave him and didn't blame him for his decision to leave in the way he did. I held his hand and told him about how I am doing. He looked so peaceful, like he was resting. I can't remember the last time my father looked at peace. I'm always going to miss him, but I am so glad for the time I got to spend with him yesterday. It helped with the closure I needed.

After the viewing, we went to one of his favorite restaurants, Steamers, and ate fish and chips and looked out at the water. It was nice to do something that he enjoyed doing.

There's still a big hole in my heart, but it hurts less every day. I know that some days will be harder than others. After almost 16 years, it will be strange to never go to his apartment again after I finish emptying his home. It will be strange to not get random calls from him talking about a food creation he made with salmon, ramen noodles, veggies, and some mystery ingredient. This father's day will be hard, as will his birthday one week later. I guess you just find ways to honor those that you love and try to move on with your new life.

More than my hurt for my loss, I so badly want to find a way to change things with the state of mental health care. There's no reason that people should suffer. There's no reason we have overburdened systems, and too many patients and not enough qualified people to help. There's so much that can be done on a personal level, just by reaching out and taking care of one another. That's just my soap box though. I am sure I will have more on this, as the ideas that are floating around in my head become more solid.

My love to each of you,
Raina

Apparently 24 hours isn't enough time to heal all wounds

It's another 12 hours later. 26 hours after I found out about my dad. I went to his apartment this morning. It looked like he had just stepped out. I had to go through things to find paperwork from his military service. I wanted to see if there was a note as well. I managed to find the paper work, but sadly, there wasn't a note. It really was just like he stepped out. It was nice to walk around his home, to have something familiar. In looking for items, and going through drawers, and it was nice to see traces of my old dad-rocks everywhere, candy, art supplies, his hobbies laid out around the house. In leaving I gave his pillow a big hug. It still smelled like him. It's those small things that I'll miss the most.

I met with my mom and told her. Disbelief and sorrow hit her, just like it has been for me. I scooped her up and brought her home. We just keep crying together, not sure of what to do; not wanting to believe this is real-that he is really gone. She had done the same thing as me-listened to a message to hear his voice. I'll play her my voice mails, so she can hear the real dad, and hear him say "I love you". I need to figure out how to get those recordings off of my iphone, so I can save them for when I need him most.

I had a pretty big appointment today, and when I got home I sat in the car crying and talking to him. Its all that I could do. I bitched that he should be there for me to call him. I begged for him to come back. I told him I was sorry and wish I could bring him back home, and that I should have called him. Of course, its never going to happen, but it helped to be able to discuss what happened in my day. I hope wherever he is, he's looking down on mom and I and that he gets to see how our lives turn out.

The next few weeks will be planning his funeral, getting my mom set up financially, closing out his affairs, and cleaning out his apartment. That in itself will be a daunting task. Luckily, my Grandparents are taking over so much of it. I'm in charge of caring for my mom and coordinating things at his apartment. It seems like so little, but yet so much.

People have been so good at checking in. If you're reading this, thank you. I don't know what I need, or even 100% how I feel. Everything just feels so raw right now. Everything hurts, and I feel lost. Words of support and encouragement have been welcomed. It lets Mom and I know we're not alone. I'm trying hard not to be what Daddy called "Tough Raina", which boiled down to being stubborn. I'm used to taking care of things on my own, and not really talking about the bad things with many people. I don't like to bring people down. This is just...I don't know. I don't feel normal right now. I want people to understand. I want people to know that they should do everything in their power to help those around them. I want to feel better. I don't know how else to do that, but to just write everything in my head out, which is different than how I like things to be. We'll see. I may say screw it on the whole "it takes a village" concept of self-care...but for now, I just want to write and grieve and adjust to a new life I didn't think I would have.  Thanks for sticking in there and reading all of this.
My love to each of you,
Raina

Well, shit.

It's 2:17 am. I've been up and down all night, crying and wanting to throw up. I'm dreading tomorrow...or well, at this point, later today.

It's now a little later, just before 9. I spent this morning listening to his old voice mails to hear his voice and to hear him say that he loves me. Finally being lazy about deleting voice mails comes in handy. I spent the majority of the night crying. I am crying now. I know it isn't the case, but I wonder if I'll ever stop crying.

I am so grateful for my friends and family. My guys are getting bodies to help move all of his furniture/belongings out. My Grandparents are setting up the funeral. I just need to get paperwork and help my mom. it seems like so little, but I don't know that I have the energy for much else today. I don't feel very present today, and I just feel numb. I know that will change. I'm so scared to tell my mom. I can't lose another parent.

I am still stuck with wanting to know why. I do and I don't understand. He was tormented, and in constant pain. He was overwhelmed. I keep wondering why he didn't reach out to me, or someone to come help him. I would have gone down there, day or night. I keep wishing I had called earlier in the week. Maybe I could have helped him. But I know he was tired of being a burden. I know he was tired of making life hard for those that he loved. He hated not being independent and needing help and he hated where his life had gone and what he became. He was miserable, lonely and isolated. I am glad that before he left, he made amends with his family. I am so glad he reached out and reconnected with those who loved him so. That at least was a positive. We have happy memories of him.

He was, and will always be, the best Daddy a gal could ever have. I'll always remember the amazing adventures we had, the late night go-carting in the Hammobile with my Texas friends; rock hunting in the desert with my California friends. Daddy, you are so loved, and so, so missed. I hope you have your peace. Rest well.

Rainy Cloud

For my father

I don't even know how to start this post, or if I will even publish it. Right now, I am hurting. My soul feels like it is crushed and I don't know what else to do but write and cry. This post will be raw, and may contain things you don't want to read. This isn't for you, this is for me, and for me to heal.

3 hours ago I got the news my father killed himself. My Grandfather found him after no one had heard from him in a couple of days.  He had been out of the hospital for one week or so when he opted to end his own life. He died alone in his home, with no one to be there for him. 

I'm angry. I am so mad that he left us and that he took the easy way out instead of fighting like he pushed me to do with everything in my life. I'm angry that I won't ever have another chance to go fishing with him, or go hiking again. I am pissed that my child will never know who he is, and get to learn from him. He robbed me of so much time that I will never get back. I am so angry at the state of mental health care in the US. It shouldn't be so hard to get someone help. It shouldn't be so hard to get solid and consistent treatment. 

But more than angry I am sad. I am sad that I'll never be called Rainy Cloud, and Rainy Bear or Rainy. I'll never get to call him Stinky D, or My D, or any of the other names I have for him. I'm sad I will never have his counsel for when I am in need of fatherly advice. I'll never have another Dad hug, or hear his voice. I never got to hear "I love you" again. I can't even remember if I said "I love you", when I called him this past weekend, I hope I did. I'm sad that my child will never get to meet him and see how amazing he was. 

I am also guilty. I can't help but think, if I had just called like I planned. If I had reached out more often, I could have helped him. I could have saved him from taking his own life. He wouldn't have been alone. Whether that is true or not, It's all I can think of. 

I haven't told my mom. She's not in town. I had to lie and tell her to come home to sign some papers to get him into a home. She's leaving early tomorrow morning and I have to go meet her to give her the news. I have to tell her that her Husband is dead and decide how many of the details to give her. I have to tell her that the man she loved more than anything else is gone, and that she'll never hold him, or tell him she loves him. She's going to be all alone now too. She had hoped so much that he would get better and that they could get back together. 

That's never going to happen. And I am...sad, angry, hurt, lost, you name it. I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about him. I am relieved that he is (hopefully) finally at peace. But I am scared. What if my Mom follows suite?  What would I do if my partner for 36 years died?  I'd lose my shit; probably more than I am now. 

So tomorrow, I head south to go to my dad's home, to start closing out a life that shouldn't have ended so soon and to try to stop a heart from breaking so badly it never comes back. I don't even know where to start with that, or how to fix what is so broken. From there, I head back, and go to a doctors appointment to make sure I am healthy as well. I have no idea how I am going to do all of this.

One day at a time, I guess.

Hold tight to those you love, no matter how hard. Never let a day pass without telling someone how much you love them. You never know when you won't be able to again.

My love to you, always

Raina

Man, I am lucky...

I'm sitting here yelling answers at Jeopardy after a good long nap. After dealing with social workers, hospitals and therapists; I'm taking a day off to do nothing and to be silly.  It feels good.

Why you ask am I yelling at the TV? Because in my house...Jeopardy is a ridiculous show where the wrong answer is often the better answer.  This also works for saying the same answer over and over. For instance: the topic was Local Newspapers...I knew one of them was bound to be "The Herald"...So I kept saying it. While my loss was 800, my right answer was worth 1600.  We also do actually play the show, and when we stop being silly, do pretty well.  So...What started this blog?  A Jeopardy based conversation with Nick. I say I am lucky, as not many people would engage in this silliness. :)

Nick: Would you ever go to see Jeopardy?
Me: I don't know...
Nick: Apparently there's free tickets. Would you go?
Me: Hmmm...Would it be raining?
Nick: Partly cloudy
Me: Can you ridicule the people who don't answer right? Or yell your own answers?
Nick: You probably could, but you'd be thrown out.
Me: Totally worth it.
Nick:...
Me: (Interrupting) Would we be waiting for Conan?
Nick: Sure
Me: Then yes...if it was raining and there was nothing better to do and I could yell at the contestants on my way to go see Conan; then yes. I would go.

And there you have it. I have a neat guy, who doesn't think its odd to yell random answers (which by the way was WAY more hilarious when I was drinking), and provides me with imaginary scenarios in which to attend shows that I like.

I'm also lucky for so many other reasons. This has not been a good week family-wise. Nick went down to Tacoma before I got off work to help clear my Dad's apartment out. He made my a lovely dinner when I got home from Tacoma the next night around 11 pm, after starting work at 7 am. He picked up my new chicks for me while I was at work, so I would have a cute chirpy surprise when I got home.

It's the big things, the little things, and the silly things which make me pretty darn lucky. Here's to finding your  own competitive Jeopardy yelling cohort :)

Raina

Dessert and Madness

Today, I want to hide in bed.

After that I want to venture out into the kitchen and bake warm, delicious treats and then sit in the garden and eat them.

Instead, I am working and coordinating calls out to family, hospitals and social workers while on breaks. During my vacation, my father went back in to the hospital. I'm glad my family waited to tell me until I was home and settled, so I could finally have time to myself. Now, I am waiting to see when he gets out and some next steps about his care, and where he will live. I am happy that he was proactive and checked himself in, but frustrated that this keeps happening, and that the VA can't do more, and that he can't take better care of himself.

These days, I am surprised that I have as much energy as I do. I feel pretty good overall, but this is mentally and physically draining. When I think about if I am ready to have my own family, the answer is pretty clear. I have been taking care of my parents longer than most kids live with their parents. I'm sure anything else will be a breeze.  Of course, focus on that has to wait a bit longer for this to get settled out.

Hence the desire to hide, and cook. I have visions of warm banana breads; rich creamy, citrusy custards with burnt sugar toppings; deep rich chocolate cakes, topped with boozy cherry jam that I have sitting in my pantry which was canned last summer.

Maybe after I head to Tacoma to sort out my father's situation and help him clean his home, I can gather my lap top and some of my favorite cook books and just lay in bed, thinking of what to cook next!

In happy-ish news...the new chicks arrived today, sadly, the majority of them didn't make it in travel. I have two new girls that will be joining the flock shortly!  I'll post pictures of their sweet new faces when I bring them home later today from a neighbor who is watching them.

Here's to the week wrapping up quickly!

Raina

On The Road Again...

I'm sitting here in Yellowstone National Park, taking a break from hiking and playing and chasing critters to have bacon and pancakes in the condo. More on that later. I keep meaning to give updates of what I have been up to, so I'll use this fabulous free day to do that!

We have been building up the garden, including adding a new bed for lettuce, fennel, chives, and dill. We moved the coop to open up the back yard as well. The gardens look great, and we were able to set up multiple hammocks.

The start to some pac choi and lettuce. I started it in a small planter, then transplanted it  into a larger 4X4 foot bed.

This is one of the bigger beds.  Before I left for vacation, the lettuce, radishes and onions were  growing out of control!  I also added 4 more tomato plants and more peppers. There's been dozens of other plants as well!

Even Charlie got in on the sun shine!  She doesn't get to come out very often, but she  had a great time watching the chickens and stalking butterflies. How could I say no to that?

 I took a quick hammock break to sit and relax in the sun. It was warm and sunny, and I couldn't resist a break!

I had to take a quick pic of my feet in the sun, too! :)

The flowers in my front bed were blooming as well!

We had planned to go to Rainier, but Mia ate an entire chocolate cake, so we stayed home to watch her to make sure she was ok. After a lot of grass eating, moaning and whining, she was fine. To make sure I was still able to get some camping in, Nick put up the tent in the back yard, and set up the fire pit. It was a great way to end the day, and even Mia had a good time. Did she learn her lesson with chocolate? Probably not!

Nick and I celebrated what we refer to as our Bacon-i-versary, the celebration of the day we met and when Nick made me a bacon-wrapped hot dog. It was a turning point in rough year for me, and I wanted to make sure it was a special time. We planned a few trips, and I cooked a huge dinner for the two of us. I made Cab braised beef over spicy blue cheese polenta, with fiddle head ferns cooked in white wine and garlic and shallot. With that was a miners lettuce and wood sorrel salad with roasted peaches topped with blue cheese and drizled with with a balsamic reduction. I paired each with a cocktail to remind us of the adventures we had-Champagne with elder flower liqueur, a white wine from one of our first dates, and a Cab from when we went to Cave B Winery and Inn. It was an amazing night, and so very delicious!  Here's some pics:

A few weeks ago, we made our way to Mt Rainier to do some exploring and hiking. We had decided we'd look for chanterelles and fiddle head ferns. Sadly, it was still too cold. We instead ate elk and venison burgers from a train in Elbe. We did a nice hike to some waterfalls, and I brought my film camera with me. It was a great time, and it was nice to get out and play, too.  We saw a few critters, my favorite was a little fox who was quite interested in what everyone was doing. I'll have to post pics of him soon, too.

For the past few months I have been working on what I am referring to as the ultimate craft project. I'm not quite ready to release details on it quite yet, but details to come in a few weeks, promise!

That brings me to now! I have been on vacation since Friday, and this has been lovely!  We started our trip out to Yellowstone by driving first to Wallace Idaho. We walked around, hit a brewery where Nick tried all of the beers, and we played many games of pool. It was a fun time, and I highly recommend staying in Wallace if you want to check out some antique shops, have some good food, hit museums and if you want some amazing beers.

We slowly made our way to Yellowstone, hitting 50,000 Silver coins, an odd place right after the Montana/Idaho border, where I spend 5 bucks to play a slot machine and to people watch. We also passed through Missoula, where I picked up some black and white camera film and Nick bought this awesome old school Graflex camera-fully functional!  Isn't it awesome?!

The past few days have been spent meandering through the park, hiking, taking pictures and just adventuring in general. It's been an amazing time, and I am happy to be on the road. Yesterday I woke up to a pack of wolves howling outside.  I am also on the look out for a new film camera, as mine finally died after almost 15 years. The rest of the trip will be spent hiking, playing, caving and doing more photography. After all, I did bring 3 cameras and 6 lenses. I'll post pics when I am back home and have better internet connection, and all my pics uploaded and the film developed. In the meantime, here's one more pic to hold you over!

Here's to a relaxing day, whether you're on the road or just doing the day to day things :)

All my best-Raina
“I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”  Caskie Stinnett