Monday, September 26, 2011

One more post for the day...about being handy-or not.

A while ago I posted on Facebook about "Why I am not Bob Villa", and took a few minutes to jot down a conversation about my version of home improvement. After an adventure today in cleaning my gutters, I decided to post both notes for everyone's entertainment :)  Enjoy!

Why I am not Bob Villa:  Saturday, July 2, 2011 at 2:03pm
I really am being productive today, despite the many facebook additions. This was just too funny not to share. Well, in my head any ways. This is a text convo between a friend and I. Please note, my friend is way more handy than I am, I'm guessing. This convo proved it:
Me: Did you know you have to build screens? They don't come pre-built! WTH? Do I look handy?
Friend: Screens?
Me: Yeah, for windows
Friend: Window sizes tend to be different. I can give you a hand.
Me: Phew. Cause I may lose an eye building it. I thought I was being slick using the one I found in my garage, but then I almost stabbed myself (I was using a pair of scissors to make it go together), and then the damn screen was too small for the window, and I was like, WTH? Why do I even have this screen? Do I even have windows this small?! Sigh. I may just drink.
Friend: Do you need real tools?
Me: Probably. I could have used a screw driver. That would have worked better. It's also less stabby.
Friend: Do you not have one?
Me: I do, it was just in the house.
This convo went on, and included mention of setting myself up for success by not using scissors-which by the way I had used earlier to dig up a carrot and poke at a bug. And this is why I shouldn't be allowed around sharp objects. Or windows. or Home Depot.

Why I am still not Bob Villa, Or How I didn't bust my ass in the rain: September 26th.
While working from home today, I noticed that water was just dribbling down the eaves of my roof. I am assuming that's what the sides of my roof are called. get where this is going already, right?

Either way,  I decided that I was going to clean my gutters today. Armed with a ladder and a knitting needle, I ventured outside. don't clean your gutters with a knitting needle? Did you read my earlier note about putting a screen together with scissors? Clearly, you're just now catching on to my improvised handimanliness. Yes, I also make up words. 

So...I go outside armed with the tools of my trade, and set up the ladder...which takes all of like 5 minutes as there's some stupid release mechanism involved. Once done I put it down and test it. Its not too wobbly, so I decide to climb up. This is when a big drop of roof water falls into my eye. I am not at the right spot to set up the ladder, but I did identify where water is falling.  I move the ladder on to the porch by the downspout and climb up again, with much more success and less water in my eye. is where the knitting needle comes in handy. I think "there MUST be a clog in the downspout", so I start poking around. Nope. No clog. So I look around...the issue is all this goop that is filling up the stupid external gutters and making a bird pool on my roof.
I then proceed to poke at that with my knitting needle to no avail - the goop is too far away. Sigh. I start to climb down, only to notice some big ass black thing is moving towards my rain-water filled eye. Apparently I managed to give a spider a ride on my head. At this point, I am done, covered in rain water, about to start screaming and waving my arms like a crazy person, all while perched precariously on my porch on a slick ladder. I remove said stupid spider and climb down off the ladder and decide two things:
1. I am still not Bob Villa
2. I shouldn't be allowed to fix my house. Period.

Thank you to everyone who has volunteered to teach me how to do this. I now owe you beer. =D

Housework, if it is done right, can kill you.  ~John Skow