Sunday, June 10, 2012

Apparently 24 hours isn't enough time to heal all wounds

It's another 12 hours later. 26 hours after I found out about my dad. I went to his apartment this morning. It looked like he had just stepped out. I had to go through things to find paperwork from his military service. I wanted to see if there was a note as well. I managed to find the paper work, but sadly, there wasn't a note. It really was just like he stepped out. It was nice to walk around his home, to have something familiar. In looking for items, and going through drawers, and it was nice to see traces of my old dad-rocks everywhere, candy, art supplies, his hobbies laid out around the house. In leaving I gave his pillow a big hug. It still smelled like him. It's those small things that I'll miss the most.

I met with my mom and told her. Disbelief and sorrow hit her, just like it has been for me. I scooped her up and brought her home. We just keep crying together, not sure of what to do; not wanting to believe this is real-that he is really gone. She had done the same thing as me-listened to a message to hear his voice. I'll play her my voice mails, so she can hear the real dad, and hear him say "I love you". I need to figure out how to get those recordings off of my iphone, so I can save them for when I need him most.

I had a pretty big appointment today, and when I got home I sat in the car crying and talking to him. Its all that I could do. I bitched that he should be there for me to call him. I begged for him to come back. I told him I was sorry and wish I could bring him back home, and that I should have called him. Of course, its never going to happen, but it helped to be able to discuss what happened in my day. I hope wherever he is, he's looking down on mom and I and that he gets to see how our lives turn out.

The next few weeks will be planning his funeral, getting my mom set up financially, closing out his affairs, and cleaning out his apartment. That in itself will be a daunting task. Luckily, my Grandparents are taking over so much of it. I'm in charge of caring for my mom and coordinating things at his apartment. It seems like so little, but yet so much.

People have been so good at checking in. If you're reading this, thank you. I don't know what I need, or even 100% how I feel. Everything just feels so raw right now. Everything hurts, and I feel lost. Words of support and encouragement have been welcomed. It lets Mom and I know we're not alone. I'm trying hard not to be what Daddy called "Tough Raina", which boiled down to being stubborn. I'm used to taking care of things on my own, and not really talking about the bad things with many people. I don't like to bring people down. This is just...I don't know. I don't feel normal right now. I want people to understand. I want people to know that they should do everything in their power to help those around them. I want to feel better. I don't know how else to do that, but to just write everything in my head out, which is different than how I like things to be. We'll see. I may say screw it on the whole "it takes a village" concept of self-care...but for now, I just want to write and grieve and adjust to a new life I didn't think I would have.  Thanks for sticking in there and reading all of this.
My love to each of you,