Well, shit.

It's 2:17 am. I've been up and down all night, crying and wanting to throw up. I'm dreading tomorrow...or well, at this point, later today.

It's now a little later, just before 9. I spent this morning listening to his old voice mails to hear his voice and to hear him say that he loves me. Finally being lazy about deleting voice mails comes in handy. I spent the majority of the night crying. I am crying now. I know it isn't the case, but I wonder if I'll ever stop crying.

I am so grateful for my friends and family. My guys are getting bodies to help move all of his furniture/belongings out. My Grandparents are setting up the funeral. I just need to get paperwork and help my mom. it seems like so little, but I don't know that I have the energy for much else today. I don't feel very present today, and I just feel numb. I know that will change. I'm so scared to tell my mom. I can't lose another parent.

I am still stuck with wanting to know why. I do and I don't understand. He was tormented, and in constant pain. He was overwhelmed. I keep wondering why he didn't reach out to me, or someone to come help him. I would have gone down there, day or night. I keep wishing I had called earlier in the week. Maybe I could have helped him. But I know he was tired of being a burden. I know he was tired of making life hard for those that he loved. He hated not being independent and needing help and he hated where his life had gone and what he became. He was miserable, lonely and isolated. I am glad that before he left, he made amends with his family. I am so glad he reached out and reconnected with those who loved him so. That at least was a positive. We have happy memories of him.

He was, and will always be, the best Daddy a gal could ever have. I'll always remember the amazing adventures we had, the late night go-carting in the Hammobile with my Texas friends; rock hunting in the desert with my California friends. Daddy, you are so loved, and so, so missed. I hope you have your peace. Rest well.

Rainy Cloud